I must admit, from the outset I was at a slight loose end in terms of just where I should start with this section. I suppose that it should, if anything, start with an summary of my political development and conclude with a bit about myself personally. I would hope that the first part is able to serve as a warning to neophytes and people who seem incredibly cocksure of their ideology but find themselves refusing to question it or only do so within the accepted paradigms of the party, which is precisely what happened in my experience.
Politically, I began peering through the doorway of far-left politics in late 2012, with my fascination particularly expressing itself by the way of extensive research into Lenin. Eventually, I purchased a copy of "State and Revolution," which—albeit, as I see it, provided a flagrantly misguided analysis of the state—gripped me at the time and lead me further into the cold currents of Marxist-Leninist waters, something which I am far from proud to admit—but hey, no drive forward is without its occasional stumble, in truth.
After dabbling within Marxism-Leninism for a few months at most, I eventually found myself stepping back gradually as something else had gained my interest—Trotskyism.
Now, as deeply problematic as Trotsky himself was and modern-day Trotskyist currents are, at the time, I must admit, I was more determined to stay within Leninism but step away as quickly as possible from the deeply misguided conjectures of the Marxism-Leninism with which I'd found myself involved. I stayed with the Trotskyist currents for about a year and a half and engaged as much as possible with the activism that was on offer; however, late last year, I found myself regretting the involvement, and realised that I'd placed the cart before the horse, so to speak—so, I resigned promptly. I got tired, in the end, of analysing this-or-that phenomenon rigidly; of the pissing contest between different sects to sell the most papers at events, rallies, and in some instances—which I will now say that I refused to become involved with—funerals; and, largely, of the personal pressure to increase payments, buy the paper, attend national conferences, submit reports and write articles, &c. It's not that I can't handle responsibility and act; rather, it's the imposed responsibility that I became uncomfortable with, especially whilst attempting to juggle a host of other issues, concerns, aspirations, and desires at the same time.
It was within that short space of time after disengaging entirely that I found myself, to a further extent, identifying with tendencies and outlooks which I'd previously dismissed, in closed-minded fashion, for the sake of keeping my deliberations nearby; and, with this change, I began to open my mind to the potentials quite outside of the deterministic convictions previously held. I am now on the libertarian left—to be more specific, I'd refer to myself as a collectivist anarchist and revolutionary syndicalist—and I haven't felt politically freer since the first days of my intrigue into far-left politics. I find now that I can enjoy the works of the likes of Proudhon—not without criticism of his flagrant misogyny and anti-Semtisim, of course—and Bakunin (my two biggest influences) without an overbearing guilt and without having to subject the two to a rigid, deterministic criticism that fell in alignment with both Marx's word and the party; I felt, in short, like I could take time to consider their arguments and be freer to agree with them after eventually negating the deep-rooted, "What would Marx say?" conviction.
Let me be clear: I am trying, if anything, to strike a balance in terms of where I place the blame—part rests on Marxism, part on the parties, and part on my wilful ignorance. However, I will cover this, in much greater detail, in one of a series of posts and rants on this blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment